Let’s say you’re a newbie and you are trying to learn all the things you need to know to survive your first few months of drop zone life. Skydiving is all about understanding what is expected of you and doing exactly that. Here are a few VERY CRITICAL rules that you will not find in the SIM that will make your newbie status go more smoothly. I hope. (Please send pictures.)
1) Do not leave your log book unattended.
Why? Because an unattended/unsecured logbook is an OPEN INVITATION for f**kery. You might as well leave it with a glowing post-it note on top saying: “Please add crudely drawn pictorals of penises and random cursewords. And please try to count out the pages so you can make your maverick artwork land right on jump number 69!!! Cuz that would be wicked awesome!!!”
On a side note: Don’t leave your logbook with me, even if you SWEAR you DID ask me if I’d watch your logbook, because I will not remember any such promise and I will find my colored markers and draw eyeballs on all the penises after I have enlisted others to help me deface your priceless property. Or maybe you LIKE my colored markers and “folk art” genitalia. In which case, leave your log books anywhere around the hangar.
2) Do not leave your camera unattended.
Guess what? Leaving your camera unattended is also an invitation for f**kery! (Dee.) And guess what you’ll have pictures of (lots and lots of pictures)? Penises, scrotums (what’s the plural of scrotum? Scroti?) and cleavage. And also, close-ups of dogs.
You can make a game of it. Once you’ve recovered your valuable equipment whose memory card is now completely filled with super high quality hangar porn and dog parts, you can spend the rest of the night drinking beer while checking your photo files against the usual suspects in the drop zone. It could be fun. You’ll know some of ’em right off. I suspect every drop zone has that Naked Guy, right?
3) Do not fall asleep in the hangar with your shoes on.
Why? Apparently wearing your shoes while sleeping is drop zone code for: Please don’t JUST f**k with me. I’d really much prefer you find a sharpie and f**k with my FACE.
Usually some alcohol is involved, so you would quite likely wake up the next morning, a little hungover and head to the Waffle House for breakfast before first load and you might not notice the giggles right away until you head to the restroom and finally notice someone has written “DOUCHE BAG” across your forehead. Except you’re not even sure what it says because you slept all night on the floor of the hangar in your shoes and you cannot read backwards just yet. So, you kinda deserve it.
4) Do not dilly dally in the door of the plane
Why? I’m not sure what terrible fate will befall you, but you’d prolly rather someone just drew on your forehead, bacause you will never be admired or respected if you cannot man up and jump your damn ass out the door when it’s your turn.
(Note: Sometimes women get a pass in this area, which is total crap. Nobody should linger in the door. Check your dang spot and jump already, bitches! Show those boys what a skybabe is made of!)
I should never have written this. Now if I pause for any reason, legitimate or otherwise, I will be scorned. Writing a blog is dangerous.
5) Do not drink Jagermeister straight from the bottle
Why? Just trust me on this one. It doesn’t end well. This is one video which will never be posted.
That is all for now. Work on those.
What unspoken rules did I miss? I’m sure there are plenty, and I’ll admit it. I’m afraid.
And also, don’t let your mom read this blog. You can just print the occasional article that might be helpful and black out the url. Got it?